Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
