oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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