6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
