bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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