Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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