The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
