I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
