I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
