Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
