Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
