nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
