this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
