When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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