Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
