Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I love you. Go after that dick
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
A bitchslap is in order.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
