I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
