I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
