Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
