yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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