1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
