I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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