Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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