Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
