The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
