Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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