It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
