Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
