When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
