Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
