Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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