Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
