Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
