I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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