It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
