I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
