I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
