My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I faked an abortion last night.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
