a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Im part way to drunk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
