I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
