I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
