Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
