Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
