Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
