Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Terrible idea I love it
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
