my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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