Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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