I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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