so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
