You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
