i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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