On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
