You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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